[font="](This is guaranteed
laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther
movie).
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper,
"Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not
bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Submitted by Rick Bell
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There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a
sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which
said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said
"The Best Restaurant on this Block."
Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
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A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down
on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine
when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The
penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if
the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still
waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted
the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to
the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
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One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the
test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately
hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was
warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored
the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told
him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" [/font]
[font="]The prof again said
no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle,
then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
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A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your
monkey."
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
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James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none
on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might
be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because
there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition".
This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
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This worked fine with my level 200a
on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and
had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly
know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome,
and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words
embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That
language must stop!". But the bird answered [/font]
[font="]him with curses. He shook the
bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird
cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the
refrigerator. But it had no effect. [/font]
[font="]From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was
still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke
in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer ,
threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and
removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's
arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they
say?" [/font]
